I think I'll try.

Written by AlyssaJade on April 29, 2010

So far, this year seems to be one of change. That sounds silly, because things are always changing, but for a while last year it kinda felt like everything was just standing still. Now, everything seems to be rushing past me awfully fast. It feels like a whirlwind - new job, new relationships - and I'm reminded about how quickly time passes. But one thing I've noticed though, is the change within myself.

I always used to be the quiet girl. The one who people walked all over. I never once stood up or myself or told anyone how I truly felt. And I don't really feel like that's healthy, you know? I always kept everything in and battled to keep everyone happy. I never talked about my problems because I never really had the words, and whilst I would talk to my friends and hear their problems, I never really returned it. I used to kind of offer a shortened, condensed version of the truth, the glazed over version, brushing past it and ending with a smile, even if it wasn't the truth. As a result, it became almost like toxicity inside me... bottled up, locked in me. I started to fear and it turned into anxiety, and a large percentage of last year I remember having panic attacks, and just feeling afraid of my own mind. Not to say it's all peachy keen now, but this year, I've started standing up for myself and learning the importance of being assertive, and being true to myself. I've stopped relying on people, and stopped searching for acceptance in them, because it's a wasted effort. It's nice to go to people and hear that you're doing the right thing and on the right path, but it's really just an echo of emptiness. And really, how do they know what's right for you anyway? There is no one standard in society to follow, and there shouldn't be. We are all flawed human beings living in a pretty dark world. Only we know what's right for us, deep down, and it's nobody's right to tell us who we are or who we should be.  Only YOU can determine that, and it takes some people their entire lifetime to know that. It's all part of the journey of self discovery.

I think it's beautiful that we're all different, and it should be embraced, not fought against. We're all different cultures, religions, different people.

Me, personally? I have no idea who I am. I'm 20 years old. I don't have all the answers and that's okay with me. But I finally know my worth. I am a strong person, and I'm not afraid of life.

We are all equal and all equally loved, and equally, all deserve happiness. However it may come.