Blog Entry
My Broken Heart...
Written by Estrella82 on March 21, 2010
People say that love is the strongest emotion there is… I agree. That’s why this is quite a tough story to share with more than the odd one or two people that I have told, but I guess there comes a time to let things go, and that is now!
I was never popular with boys at school, through college I had an amazing group of friends, who incidentally were all going out with each other… except me! I started to think no-one would ever be attracted to me or love me and would get so upset – what was wrong with me? However, at 19 I met a guy called Mark – my best friend’s boyfriend’s best friend! Perfect! I fancied the pants off him and couldn’t believe my luck when he asked me out! I fell head over heels for him. We were together for 5 yrs, he seemed like the perfect boyfriend and all I wanted; I genuinely thought he was ‘the one’ for a long time. I’d say after 4 and a half yrs things started to go wrong, I can’t pin point one thing but he just started getting really possessive and insecure and would have a go at me for absolutely everything; what I did, what I didn’t do, even the way I said stuff, it was weird. I had reason to believe he cheated on me about 6 months earlier, but he talked his way out of it and being so trusting and naïve, having no hard evidence and being in that bubble of love I believed him. The emotional abuse carried on though, every time I went out with my friends he would start an argument over text saying I didn’t love him or want him and say we were over, only to apologise and beg me to stay with him the next day.
It came to a climax after a few months; I couldn’t take the emotional rollercoaster any more so I finished things. It was so tough though, people think that because I ended it that I was ok and he was the victim – I was the bad guy who broke his heart but it’s not that simple. I still loved him and wanted him, just couldn’t take the abuse from him which other people didn’t know about. Anyway after a few months break we started seeing each other more, I had my own flat by this time and he would come round, we started sleeping together again, it was as if we were together really. He would ask me back, but as soon as I would say yes let’s try, he would say, “you didn’t want me before, I wasn’t good enough, so I don’t want you to hurt me again”. I’d be hurt but would accept his decision, but within a couple of days he would get in contact again telling me he adored me and would never love anyone like he loved me and would give anything to be with me again! This cycle went on for months and it was breaking my heart every time it happened!
Anyway, it was the last Sunday of June 08 – I was out with my Mum and I got a text off an unknown number saying “why are you still contacting Mark when he’s been with me for over a year?” I can’t describe my feelings, it sounds weird but I could actually feel my heart tensing inside me and everything around me went blank. I ended up speaking to this girl, Lucy. It turned out they had been together since 2 weeks after we had split in March 07! It was one of those moments when your thoughts simply can’t keep up with everything as soooo much suddenly makes sense yet generates even more questions, it’s like having totally new eyes and I suddenly saw the lies, not only over the last year, but even when we were together – he had literally created a double life, I could write a blog just on the crazy, weird and even sick stories he had led many of us to believe. I was never a possessive girlfriend, I would even encourage him to see his mates as I didn’t want him to feel suffocated in any way, and I trusted him unquestionably. I guess you could say I judged him by my standards – I knew that I’d never consider cheating on him no matter what, but clearly he judged me by his standards instead – no wonder he became so insecure!
How many times he cheated when we were together is anyone’s guess but I would say at least 5 – how could I not see this? He had been in complete control of my life, playing with my emotions. He once found but I had been on a date and he had such a huge go at me and made me feel guilty that I was moving on but he still couldn’t because I’d hurt him so badly! Why was he bothered when he had a new girlfriend? Why couldn’t he let me go? It was him that cheated, not me. The whole last year seemed like a waste as he had stopped me developing feelings for any other man, I was completely under his control. I never thought I would stop eating as I love my food too much, but I obviously hadn’t ever been hurt that much before. I couldn’t eat properly for about a month and I lost a stone.
The worst thing was I knew Lucy stayed with him, he talked his way round it, like he did with me before. He claimed to have not even seen me since we split, even though I could prove that he had. I know I am better off for knowing now as I may still not have moved on. I kind of feel like someone up there wanted me to move on, which is why I was introduced to good people and decent men, and that’s why this happened as I obviously wasn’t going to take the hint! It was knowing Lucy had stayed with him that hurt – why should he get away with it and still have a loving girlfriend and all I’m left with is a void where my heart once sat? But then how can there ever be complete trust again? Maybe this is better than him reeling in a new, inexperienced, naive or vulnerable girl and breaking yet another heart. He prayed on the weak – I was inexperienced and naive when we met, Lucy I discovered, was emotionally vulnerable for a number of reasons. His motives and reasons he told me for being with her were verging on sick, how did I know so little about this man?
If that wasn’t painful enough, his memory stabbed me in the heart again last year, and maybe this is the toughest part. I’d had an unpleasant experience with a man, who got me so drunk or drugged up, who knows… that I had no idea what was happening. Frankly I don’t want to remember either. But for that reason I thought I would be sensible and get checked out (I can’t emphasise enough how careful I am with my health!). No prizes for guessing there was bad news! I was devastated and the wounds re-opened as deep as before, I just couldn’t accept that this man had not only taken advantage of my body but had infected me as well. Fortunately the Dr revealed this was highly unlikely. I guess on the positive side at least this bad experience made me get checked, but one fact remained, there is only one man I have ever slept with unprotected – my ‘loving, faithful’ ex boyfriend of five years… Mark. (This isn't the most pleasant thing for me to write about & I wasn't going to, but if one lesson can be learned -anyone who's reading this, please look after your body and get checked, as I wouldn't wish it on anyone!!)
It hurt so much to realise the only man I’d truly been in love with was a fraud and managed to affect me and my life so much even after the split. I know I’m better without him but the scar on my heart is still crystal clear. Don't get me wrong, I don’t get upset anymore. But my remaining fear is that I won’t ever love again, even now as much as I don’t care about him, I simply can’t imagine feeling that way about anyone else. I don’t fall for people easily. I miss the innocence of unquestionable, whole hearted, trusting love. Is it possible to feel that way again after having your heart torn to shreds and 5 years of your life revealed as a fraud? Right now I don't know, but all I can do is trust in love, balance, compassion, and the good things in the world, and hope the answer is yes..!
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Estrella82
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jokes7 said on April 2, 2010:
Wow ur blog is so deep m8!!!!! I thought i was in love once but i werent it was more of a lust thing really!!!!! I fight my dam hardest not 2 let any1 close 2 me cos i aint letting my heart get broken!!!!!! Trust is my hardest battle 2 overcome cos every1 i trust turns out 2 be a fake!!!!!!!!!!! The only way i express myself is thru poetry and rhymes so props 4 dis m8 wish i have ur strength and also courage 2 do something like this!!!!! Take care of that heart m8 x
xtina said on March 27, 2010:
I think the first thing i have to tell you is WOW! it takes great courage to post your story on dipdive for the BM family to get to know you better. I feel really lucky/grateful to know you and you truly taught me quite a few things.
I've already talked to you about this whole thing but i guess i'll repeat it again. Being heart broken is definitely not the best feeling and especially when you spent years with that special someone. BUT like i said many many times, things happen for a reason. We don't always know what the reason is, and i know that you didn't know about why something like that happened to you. I don't know if you now got the answer. There are times that questions can't be answered, but all we gotta do is move on. Life doesn't stop there because there's much more than one heartbreaking event, or even 2 or 3. No matter how many times you get heartbroken or feel down or angry at life,it's because it's time to grow and move on and show that you're stronger than before.
You're beautiful both inside and out. Trust me. And I know for sure that one day, you'll find "the one". Being patient is hard because we all want to love and be loved back, to have someone with whom we can share anything/everything. But when the time will be right, then things will fall into place.
Trusting in love, balance and compassion and the good things in the world = GREAT !!!
Harm that has been caused can't be reversed. But there is a lesson to every single thing. I, myself, have learned from you! so, thank you!
Sometimes we have purposes in life but we're not aware of them. Anyway, you know i've already said it quite a few times : You're a strong girl! Don't close your heart and most importantly, don't be scared. People will love you and accept you for who you are!
Keep shining and smiling :) xoxoxo
CarolBR said on March 23, 2010:
Hmmm...i see so much from myself on you...but i haven't found someone that i love yet... =/
anyway, take all that as experiences that made u stronger to overcome some situations that can appear again in the future.
I believe like u said that you won't fall in love in this way again... I mean, you'll find someone that you'll love in an another way...probably in a "more" mature way.I bet that u just didn't live bad moments with him...so, try to remember just the good things and go ahead! Try to forgive him what is kinda hard now, i know, but do that for YOU! Cuz when u do that u'll be prepared to move on again.
I wish you good things and be always with high head =D
rosekler said on March 23, 2010:
wow, I think i read it 4 times or more, each line and i still don't know what to comment !! I'm just like you, I don't fall for people easily... I know that these relationship things are always complicated, i know how much it hurts, I mean... you love someone then you realise that all the time you spent together was a lie or wasn't so real as you imagined. Anyway I think that everyone had or will have a "broken heart" one day but as I always say, everything happens for a reason and maybe you had to pass for it to "reborn". Be sure that it made you grow as woman and as human being and I'm very proud of you for being so honest and brave sharing your story with all of us. I truly admire you !! There's a song that says everything about me now and maybe it can say something for you.... "happily never after", it's a PCD song, just tell my story and maybe the story of all the women that suffered for love at least once in life ! As the girl of the song you just realised that you deserve better after all... and it's already a big step !! So please, Em, never doubt that you will find somebody to love, to trust exactly the way you want and deserve to be loved !! You're one of the most incredible women I've ever met, you're beautiful and have a big heart... Sorry, but i have to say that this man is a jackass because only being an asshole to lose an amazing woman like you !! Every man should feel lucky for having you !! Heeeeey, it's time to closing cycles ( u read my blog so u know what i'm talking about lol ), do what you need to do to be able to move on and look forward because good things are for coming, Miss Em !! Love comes when we're not expecting for it... just let things happen by itself and you will see yourself falling in love again and being happy as you deserve to be !! Be sure that your answer will be YES, I am sure of it :) I'll be always here for you... xD
MWAAAH
i love you <3
number1pcdfan said on March 22, 2010:
first of all i have to say your really brave for writing this and i really hoped you feel better , telling people can be the key.
secondly i have to say i am really sorry that happened to you. you didnt deserve it.
im glad that you stayed strong after it, not all people would've been able to cope with something like that. its really sad to think that your first time of love in a relationship was like that, but i think it might of helped you a little. not having a boyfriend through highschool ( i know what thats like) , well this guy showing you that men can really hurt you, can be real arseholes and that they use women might just have helped by prepareing you to look for Mr. Right and belive me you will find him.
Dont lose faith in love, Love if life and life is hard but YOU can always beat it if you need to. you are stronger! dont forget it , people do love family, friends, your BM family and one day Mr. right you just have to wait to find beautiful !
xox
BAG said on March 22, 2010:
I am going to say it up front: women are attracted to assholes!
There I said it. And I stick with it, because it's true whether you beleive it or not. We can argue about this until the cows come home, but I have seen this first hand in person what powers a "Bad Boy" has over nice women. I think it's a hereditary trait from pre-historic era when humans were still evolving. Men would express their dominance by having as many offspring as they can with different potential mates. It expresses dominance and authority. Today, we have evoled to be more civilized, HOWEVER, human beings still have those hereditary traits from way back when. Scientist have even pinpointed a "Cheating Gene" specifically found in men that makes them want to mate with other people.
It's ironic: were trying to be more civilized, yet were still animals at heart.
It's sad: even though we should be with just one person and its the right thing to do, its not what makes us human. What makes us human is the need to multiply and survive....that's it.
So asks the question: if a guy cheats on you, is he really a bad guy? Or is he just being a guy since that is what makes them guys after all? ....I really don't know, and niether does anyone else. However I will say this: I'm a guy, I am 22 years old, I have never been in a relationship, nor have I ever slept with anyone.....yet I am a guy. I don't need to hear what other people have to say on the matter because I have proven to myself that not all guys are bad and not all guys have to cheat all the time. It CAN be done, but its a two way street. BOTH parties (Men and women) have to be willing to make sacrifices if they want any kind of relationship to work. Its extreamly hard for guys because of this heredeitary trait they have. They can do it, but its hard.
Personally, I don't think people should even be dating when they are in their 20's. You have to experience life and really know who you are as a person before you give it all up for someone. To me, it sounds like you were attracted to him because he was one of those "Bad Boys". It's not a bd thing nesseccarily, its just what women like at a young age. You guys don't start looking at what really counts until 30 years of age.
Both men and women are at fault: women want to settle down too quickly, and men don't want to settle down soon enough. Both sides need to work on themselves and take responsibility in their actions (YES women too), just as important, both sides need to know who they are as people and live life before settling down.
.....But since when are people reasonoble? The world today wants asnwers and they want them too fast. People are not willing to take the time and build character in themselves. But that's what you have to do: you have to know yourself, and take care of yourself before you take care of other people.
Yes, this guy was wrong for hurting you, but with all due respect, I think you tried to jump in too quickly. Your not done living life yet and getting to know yourself yet. When you know yourself, then you will know other people and you will be able to pin point the man you have been looking for out in the crowd.
sarahlouxx said on March 22, 2010:
Wow.. Im glad you posted this em, As I have so much to say on the topic.. As you well know Iv not long come out of a 5 year relationship - And it was the most heartbreaking experience iv ever faced.. I know the situation of my break up is completely different to yours as NO one cheated BUT it must of been 10 times worse, I mean its one thing breaking up with your lover, BUT to find out they really wasnt the person you once fell in love with is a whole different story!! You must of questioned why he did that? how you never noticed? did he really love you? where did you go wrong? But you need to understand that you wasn't to blame, see you was far to high up on his standards, he didn't deserve someone like you, and maybe deep down he knew that too.. I feel he was funny with finding out about the date, because he could see you were moving on and no longer his door mat to walk all over! I also feel that you had to experience that with him in order to become a stronger person in your next relationship, Im not saying your not strong, clearly you are to be able to face that and now tell us the story but it goes back to the whole thing of when nats and I broke up - I remembered thinking I wasn't good enough, I should of done this and that to of kept our relationship strong, and as you know I blamed myself for a very long time - But now I see that I had to face that, I had to be in a situation of the heart wrenching pain I felt from the break up.. I had to face all that to see the good with the bad within me, I had a wake up call - And I learnt alot from it, I do believe that things happen for a reason, But I don't beleive that just because you have "been in love once" it will never happen again... Thats not true, You will fall in love again, and stronger than the first... I mean afterall your heart hasnt died, its just been taught a lesson in life ( never give up when your heart has been broken as "the ones" heart will become heartbroken too. You have the biggest warmest heart ever, and I no that one day "the one" will come along and treat you like the princess you deserve to be treated like - BUT please don't give up because of some cheating insercure poor excuse of a man.
They are not all like that, And they wont all treat you like that, you have to go thru hard/upsetting relationships in order to find the right one!
In the mean time, keep smiling, (passes you some vaseline) Lol sorry I couldn't resist! hehe big hugs and kisses xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.
Doll-Laura said on March 22, 2010:
Girl,
You are so brave that you wrote this and truly, you deserve BETTER than that.
And i don`t know what you feel but definetly it was lesson for me and now i can hold my eyes open and be precautious.
And you are such a beautiful person and thank you for sharing this story with us !
Love,
Laura
lee said on March 22, 2010:
I'm so proud of you for putting it on. Youv'e been through so much with this mark and the other. To much i would say. I know it is hard to try and forget what happens to you when someone you have loved and shared every part of your life with treats you like dirt. Please don't let these ass holes put you off from opening your hart and loving again, were not all that bad. There is someone out there that will love you just as much as you love them. Your beautiful, smart and funny don't let any man tell you different. Mark was just a complete jackass for treating you like that and letting you go. His loss and you remember that. Men like that will never change and will always be thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, when infact they can't see what they have right in front of them. As for the other one well i will keep my mouth shut as it will be more swearing than anything else. Bastard. Sorry that just slipped out. Get out there now sunshine and show this world just what your made of. Have fun. laugh out loude, smile but do whatever makes YOU! happy even if that includes waffling to me (can't believe i just said that) . As for the broken hart don't worry. For how long it takes for you to mend it we/me are always here for you and always will be. :) x
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you knew i had a lot of respect and admiration for you already, but it really takes courage to open up like this :) (proud of you!)
im so sorry to hear about the pain you've gone through, and i know its probably a cliche but it has made you stronger. I was told once, ''nothing is bad if you can learn from it'' and i guess in a way its true. I cant really comment on 'love' because i dont think i've ever truly been in love with someone. Break ups are always tough and its putting the memory of that relationship to rest that can hurt the most. Your heart has to break, so it can be sealed together again with rejuvenated love, from that, you get direction. A new direction.
Youre so beautiful. And no... i'm not just saying it!! You've got the most contagious smile EVER and you've been there for me when i needed someone, i wish i could just give u a huge hug!! One day, you'll find the one thats right for you. They'll love the aspects of your personality / appearance that even you hate. Everything happens for a reason, and i might be wrong in saying this, but maybe now you've got more direction.. you'll be able to look out for warning signs or signals if the relationship isnt going well. It seems like you've got a new outlook now, and thats not a bad thing :)
thank you for being you :-) and the answer IS YES!!! ;)
love u
oxox