Giving up hope

Written by Lisalovespcd on May 14, 2012

I honestly thought things were getting better, maybe i should stop getting my hopes up about things as theres always something that sets me back! Work was getting a little bit better, i was finally feeling like i was able to go in without worrying about how the day is going to be! about a month ago we got a new morning manager and when i first met him i though he was quite arrogant and as the weeks have went by i have realised its true! i got really upset last week when i went back to work after having the weekend off and from the minute i walked in it was like everything was crashing down on me again, I got the blame for someone else's mistake again, like always and i had went through the back to let my tears out and he came storming through saying it was my fault and i always bugger of else where when a mistake is made, after he walked away i just broke down! I couldnt believe the way he was speaking to me, I was ready for walking out, whenever i make a mistake at work i deal with it, i dont walk away from it cos it makes things worse if u leave it but when its nothing to do with me thats when i get upset! something similar happened the other day too, i was in the kitchen minding my own business and he came barging in shouting that the floor was wet in the resturant, i spoke up this time! i said if i spilt something i would get it cleaned up straight away, so dont come in here blaming me!

I feel like the big black hole is swallowing me up again, i thought i was starting to see the light but something has grabbed me and pulled me back down! If i speak to my mum or dad about it i just get told to get over it, it happens in every work place etc! 'what? crying ur eyes out before u leave for work happens to everyone?' its so hard to try speak to anyone about it, and i always have people at work telling me to smile, or to BE HAPPY! im sorry but i dont walk around with a doom and gloom face all the time but i do always have my head to the floor a lot of times apart from when im serving people! i smile so they think i enjoy my job even though inside im dying! I went to the doctors last month cos i wasnt feeling at all, and i was getting worried but it was what i thought, I was stressed and my doctor pretty much told me to quit my job:/ I honestly dont know how ive managed to keep at it this long!

Sometimes it's easier to pretend that you don't care, than to admit it's killing you.

last year my brother proposed to his gf of 4 years! the moment i was always dreading since the day i met her, she is the most controlling, selfish person i have EVER met in my life! i honestly though kevin would realise how selfish she is but No! the wedding is now booked for late next year!, over the time they have been together i have noticed a change in my brother, becoming less caring, more selfish and just not the person i grew up with! i was meant to be getting asked to be a bridesmaid until finding out through someone elses facebook that the plans had obviously changed! my mum was not happy, i mean i wasnt bothered about being her bridesmaid anyways cos i would of looked so out of place but to find it out second hand esp on a social networking site really took it a bit far! Im finding it hard to accept the fact that im not going to get 'my' brother back! he wasnt brought up to be like that, we were so close until she came into the picture now im lucky if i see him once a week or even once a fortnight! it breaks my heart to see him with her when all she cares about is herself! but he doesnt see that and I cant say nothing cos of course im wrong as usual! i get really angry at the fact he is shutting us out and not involving us in anything, my mum was meant to be going to see the wedding venue with them but got a txt the day before saying not to bother cos they just wanted her mum there! that really pushed it too far, i said to him 'but thats ur mum', her mum isnt ur mum! how could he do such a thing! i dont want to go to the wedding cos it will be like watching a horror scene in a movie, and i will be that person who objects! but i cant do that cos its my brother and ive to be happy for him but how can I be?