I can't imagine how hard it must be.

The only thing i would suggest is that even though it would be scary to see her this way, make sure you continue to see her even if its hard. You don't want to regret not seeing her later on. Deep down she knows your there and loves you for coming.

I hope you feel better or at least find a way to come to better terms with whats happening.

The BM family is always here for you

xx

Its strange how you, lisa and i all have experience in dealing with dementia!!

First of all, i spoke a bit more in detail to you in mail so theres not much point in repeating myself here... But i get what you mean about not wanting your good memories to be replaced? Thats where im struggling at the moment if im honest. When my parents split, I was 4 and me and my mam moved into my nans house until things settled. She used to always cook and clean, pop into her neighbours, etc. I have so many memories with her, as i (out of 6 grandchildren) was the only one who was around her constantly,living with her. She'd always do what she could for me and then when we moved, about 6 years ago, she was really sick. It started with the flu but her rapid deterioration was pretty scary. Then, on christmas day she had 2 strokes, which ultimately brought on her condition. Since then, my mam became her carer and I've learned to become one too. I dont do as much as my mam because im physically unable, but i do what i can. At times, especially lately its very frustrating, but more upsetting than anything. I've been doing battle in an attempt to hold onto the good memories instead of allowing her condition take away anything else, as dementia has already taken so much away from me already. Its such a cruel disease!!!!

I think i took time with her for granted when i was younger, well not so much for granted but i just thought things would stay the same, i never envisioned myself doing half of what im doing now because it seemed like a condition that affected other families and would never affect mine. I think people with dementia live in their own world, which, to us (ie-those who dont have it) it appears scary and extremely confusing. I'm learning as i go along to be honest, and i know it probably sounds harsh to anyone who's never been around dementia but if you can think of your nan as a child, you can sort of come up with things that might stand out to her. but i'd say its like this for most sufferers. Bright colors catch their eyes and keep their attention, even if there seems to be no life in my nans eyes, a cartoon usually grabs her attention even though she doesnt process what theyre saying. Like i said to you before, old movies or songs she would have liked before her condition took hold... Mine doesnt always remember the words but sometimes her eyes brighten if she hears them. When youre talking,even if she cant talk back, keep the conversation flowing by talking about really simple things like the weather or something... But keep your sentences really short so what youre saying stands a chance at being processed (eg -its cold / its warm etc) And when youre talking to her,get as close to her face as u can so youre looking directly into her eyes, instead of sitting opposite. Like a child, if you stand infront of them, you usually command the attention without realising it and i've found its like this for my nan too. Dont ask too many questions because een if she cant reply it can confuse them (ok well, it does for mine anyway) i may be just generalizing? I dunno :/ For example, if i ask my nan if my auntie was on the phone to her an hour ago, she'll say no even though she was talking to her.. Etc, then if someone says ''she was on the phone to her'' she gets defensive because to her, shes right and we're wrong. If that makes sense? so general questions like how are you and if shes watching tv you could ask if shes enjoying the programme. Mines a fan of deal or no deal, she's got no idea most of the time but she knows by the end of it theres money in the players box and they might win something, so sometimes on a good day that keeps her attention. Hope something out of what ive said is of some use : /

I think because im around it 24/7 ive tried coming up with my own ways by trial and error. My nan hasnt been in a nursing home and none of my relatives have so i cant really comment on that end of things.. But if i were you id definitely try visiting your nan more often... Regret can be detrimental at times so its best to avoid it and just go and see her. You dont have to spend hours upon hours but maybe youre afraid of how to approach her? Like her deterioration seems to have come as a shock  (which is completely understandable) but i think if youre around it more, you'll get used to it? Well, not so much used to it but maybe it will allow you to understand it a bit more and come up with your own methods? I dunno... Think ive just babbled on a bit but i think it helps hearing other peoples experiences when it comes to things like this?

Anyway... You know where u are if u need anything at all, much love to you and your fam!!!

xoxoxox

Lisa thank you so much, everything that you just wrote, it's like exactly what is going on with me right now, I feel exactly the same way. I plan on going to see her more often in the hospital, as upsetting as it is, I want to spend more time with her because I feel like I missed a million opportunities to do so when she was better than she is now. Thanks so much for reading all my blabbering and finding the time to comment back :) it really helps. I love my bm family so much, thanks for always being there :) I dunno what I would do without u guys <3 xoxox

First of all it makes sense!

Im trying to think how to write this cos I know what ur going through! this time last year I was in the exact same position as ur in right now! My gran went through dementia for over 4 years and its the most heart breaking thing ive ever seen! to see someone u love slowly getting worse that they dont even know who u are anymore, is just horrible!

When my gran got taken into the home she was in, I didnt want to go in! I just felt uncomfortable going in and i didnt like seeing my gran just sitting on a chair(mostly slouched all the time)! my mum would talk to her even though she couldnt talk back and I would just sit there watching the tv and my mum would get onto me cos i would talk, but I didnt know what to say cos my gran didnt understand, altough on a few occasions she would swear at the carers LOL so she still had a bit of her old self in her! I just didnt like seeing her the way she was but i didnt want to stay away all together!

When she got taken into hospital I couldnt deal with it! I hate hospitals but I still went in but not very often! I realised I wanted to be with her as much as I could even though she never opened her eyes, i just wanted to hold her hand and spend time with her before that time came! I still cry lots cos I miss her like crazy but then i think she wont want me to cry, she would shout at me for getting upset! so try to think of the good times u had with ur gran cos thats what she'll want, I know its hard but try spend as much time with her as u can! deep down she will appreciate ur company!

I wish I could just come see u and talk about it because I feel I make more sense sometimes when im face to face with someone!

But i hope this will help u feel a bit better, I know what ur going through and i will try give the best advice as I can! Ur bm family are here for u <3

Love u lots and I hope ur having a good birthday! Ur gran will want u to have an awesome time!

xoxoxo