"I am who I am because of YOU"

Written by NAT-ENGLAND-PCD on July 24, 2009

“I am who I am”...because of you

For so long i have been living in a false sense of happyness, ignoring the real me and refusing to fully be myself, just because i was scared of hurting the people around me. I hid my sadness, regrets and anger from all of my family and my friends, in fear that it would drive them away and in the fear i would be judged and seen as something im not.

For so many years including now i have been a shoulder to cry on for most of my friends, i have had to be strong for them and in doing this i have lived a large part of my life hiding my true emotions. I had no outlet, knowere to share my feelings and i had nobody but myself for support. I was living in a false sense of happyness, conciously pushing negative thoughts to the back of my mind in the hope they would just...dissapear. Day by day these thoughts grew and became impossible for me to ignore. I found myself having to deal with problems which i had hoped i would never have to face, and i gradually began to loose this false sense of happyness and the darkness which had clouded my mind began to overcome me, to an extent were i used to sit in my room, crying not really knowing what to do with myself. Gradually over time i managed to regain the false sense of happyness that had kept me going for so long, i felt i had to, for the sake of my friends and my family who were, at the time, going through much worse situations. I felt it was unfair of me to be sad when the people closest to me were experiencing issues aswell, thats just the type of person i am, i find myself able to switch off, put that false smile back on my face and try to be that shoulder once again... But i was still in the same position as before, sadness seemingly locked away in the back of my mind with knowere to express my feelings.

During this time my mother and her boyfriends’ relationship wasnt going to well, my friends were experiencing problems of their own and my family falling appart, feuding with one another. My gran was slowly becoming ill, and my grandfather stuck with a terminal illness which threatens his life everyday. Everything around me seemed to reflect even more sadness into my life, the cloud of darkness in my head growing larger and larger, i was at a point were my mind couldnt take it anymore... And then things finally started to turn around within my own life. The people around me still had their problems and i had mine, but i was able to find something that helped me regain some form of happiness. I look back now and i see that i found this happiness at a crucial time...

As cheesy as this may sound, re-discovering The Pussycat Dolls made me somewhat happier. Since their first album i had almost nearly forgotten about them, but by chance i came across the official website on the internet, I joined up and from that point on i began making a little positive change in my life. Not only was i made happier by the music, which never failed to bring a smile to my face but i was beggining to respect and appreciate each one of the girls more, i was able to speak and make friends with many people who all shared the same admiration. A true friend though, that i hold dear to my heart was made through that website, i will not name names, but you know who you are...Since the moment i was able to properly speak with this person, i finally had a person, a friend, in who i could trust not to judge me, who i could share my thoughts and feelings with and who i could always rely on. I was given my first real outlet in which i could release some of the feelings i had locked away in my mind, and i thank you so much!

As my admiration for PCD grew i started visiting various fan-sites and by chance i came across Beautiful Movements. By this time I had become very respectful of each of the girls. Appreciated the way they responded to fans and admired them as people. I remember the day i came across Beautiful Movements, i was sat in the car waiting for my mother to pic up my brothers from school. Using my Ipod I was browsing the internet, when i stumbled across a link to this website Kimberly had set up. I had a quick look and then i had to go off it. When i got home that evening i sat in my room on my Ipod, again browsing the internet, and i decided to have a more detailed look at the site. The very first blog i read was “Dont live as a Victim”, i honestly was braught to tears, never did i expect that the one person who i adored most in The Pussycat Dolls would have had to go through so much sadness and hurt...and yet at the same time be this amazingly strong, powerfull, confident woman...this blog was the beggining of a huge change in my life and a realisation that Beautiful Movements was going to be a place were i could share my feelings and problems with people who i know wouldnt judge me or think diffrently of me.

I look back on my life now and i realise just how much i have changed, before My friend (who i met through PCDmusic) and before Beautiful Movements I had nobody, no way of letting go of the thoughts and problems i had locked away inside me...Kimberly Wyatt you have made my life happier, u gave me a place to come for never ending insperation and you gave me a second family, the Beautiful Movements family, you have all helped me escape my mind and free my emotions and feelings i had harboured for way too long, you gave me the strength to make a change in my life and you helped me gain the confidence i needed to share my story, ever since i found Beautiful Movements the problems within my life have been somewhat easier to deal with, although the problems very fastly worsened i was able to control my emotions and express my feelings and for the first time in my life i was surrounded by people who were strong minded, loving, caring and insperational, who all strived to change themselves or their lives and try and find a true happiness... I finally found my happiness, my happiness is Beautiful Movements... “I am who I am because of YOU”

Thank you. xox