To Regret, Or Not to Regret.

Written by PunkPrincess on September 23, 2009

It's 4 in the morning right now and I really should sleep, because tomorrow I am going to be so fucked in class. But I had to finish some Hamlet notes, so here I am.

Anyway I was just reading a message board on IMDB (big love) for 17 Again and the poster was asking what people regretted when they were 17. And it just made me wonder. I'm 17 now, and what do I regret?

I skipped a lot of school this year. Sometimes I just don't want to go, because I could wake up some mornings and really hate the place & the people as much as I loved them sometimes. I mean I've always been kind of loner, and I never really thought anyone would miss me, or that I would miss them. I never really thought it would matter. But now I'm wondering if, 10 years from now, I'll look back and regret it. Because as much as high school is bad, there is never a time in a person's life like the time they had in high school. Once it is passed I will never be able to go back to where I am now.

In exactly a week I'll graduate. It always seemed like...I don' t know. Like one of  Zeno's Paradoxes. I knew there would eventually be an end, that contrary to belief high school does finish. But when you're young 6 years is a long time and you think it will last forever. I always thought, pfft, if I don't go to school today there's always tomorrow. If I don't do this at school, well another day, no-one will miss it. But now looking back it all amounts to one big pile of wasted days and time.

Once it all passes, you can never go back. But it's always like that, isn't it? You hate the moment, then it slips past and you miss it, then with the distance of time you shape it in your mind into what you had always wanted it to be, and not what it was. And then you start to love what you hate, and everything becomes so muddled you start wondering what's the point in life. So why not just take what you want out of the moment in the first place? If you take it and make it yours, you will never have to regret not making it anything else.  

I used to think being 13 was the best year of my life. But then I realised it was because I got the best grades at school that year, and I think that's a really dumb reason to think that's why it was the best year of my life. If I really thought about it it was one of the worst years of my life because it was so emotionally trying. But then I realised, after really thinking about it, that being 17, right here and right now, is probably one of the best if not the best years I've ever had because I am finally learning what life is about. 

So, what do I regret. What DO I regret? A lot, I think. Not a day goes by without regrets. Some are more important than others, so they stand in your mind more. I guess these are mine.

- Not being more open. People have always said I was quiet & shy. And most of them will probably remember me that way too.

- Not caring enough. I always thought, if they don't care about me, then why should I care? My biggest mistake was never taking the first step.

- Being stubborn and judgemental. I lost a lot of friends because of it. When people got mad I tended to get defensive and think THEY were in the wrong - simply because they didn't agree with what I thought.

- Not appreciating the things I had. And the time that I had. 

But to balance it out, this is what I don't regret:

- Everything that I regret. Because now that I am learning, I can finally move on.

“Time takes it all whether you want it to or not. Time bares it away.” - Stephen King

P.S. I shouldn't even have time to do this. But, I think I've been wanting to write a blog like this for a while, and now was a good time to do it. I probably won't be back until November, until after all my exams are finished - so probably see you all then.