Friday: 16^th October, 2009


As I'm sitting here in the same old park, on the same green and black bench, I find my own little world standing still while the rest seems to move on restlessly.
I'm sitting here, taking one deep breath after another. There are leaves falling off the tall trees, which happen to find their place on me. But I don't remove them, since I know that there's gonna be the next soft breeze that will carry them further on their way to where they're supposed to be.
The sun is playing hide and seek with its friends, the white and thick clouds. And the wind seems to try to join in by chasing them all over the deep blue sky.
Every now and then I can see a bee flying by in front of me, trying to get as much nutrition as they need to make it through the long, cold and frosty winter that seems just around the corner.

I could sit like this for forever. But forever doesn't seem long enough.
Forever seems just a step away, but I'm not able to make this one necessary step, since my world stopped revolving. Sometimes I wish for it to stop, but then it's moving so incredibly fast. And sometimes I wish for it to spin around faster, but then it would refuse to move even the tiniest bit. My world never seems to revolve in the same speed than the rest.
I can see other people's worlds spinning round. I can see them doing their routines, I can see pupils walking home from school, mothers hurrying their way to pick up their kids from nursery since lunch is already waiting at home. See, their worlds are revolving the way they're supposed to; with the necessary speed. But I haven't figured out yet which speed and which direction is good for my world, in order not to let it fall apart.
Sometimes I find myself holding my breath, cause I'm afraid of bursting it all as soon as I exhale.

I'm talking about my own little world without really explaining what it looks like …
It's a normal world, round, with water as well as land. But it's neither split in countries nor in continents. It's one long path that reaches around the entire world several times. This path can have crossroads, roundabouts, traps, burdens and other things that make it harder for you to walk on it. Sometimes there are signs to help you choose which way to go next, but sometimes … there are none. Every now and then my world collides with another one and our paths cross. Sometimes I know how to avoid this very crush, but sometimes I don't and then I inevitably have to allow this person to enter my world.
Then, the air of my world is made of all my dreams, wishes and desires that are floating above my head like bubbles. There are many of those bubbles – small and big ones. And I try to catch them while I'm walking on my way. But just because I might catch one, doesn't mean that this very dream has already come true. Catching one of those bubbles means that I'm starting to walk towards a different destination now. So, while I'm walking on this path then, I have to carry the vulnerable bubble that could so easily burst. I have to protect it, cause it represents my oh so precious dream.
Also, there are bright and friendly parts, but then again there are dark ones that seem as cruel as could be. It's not like the normal change between day and night, but it's like that there are really dark and bright parts randomly distributed all over my world. This means that sometimes I'm not able to see my way properly because of the dark. So it might happen that I go astray.



Thursday: 22^nd October, 2009


I guess that I've walked in the dark for the last couple of days, but I kept on walking, even though I couldn't even see the shapes of anything that was surrounding me. Now I'm able to see again. But sometimes you wish to be blind cause what you see is hurting you too much. And what I see is that the way that I took was a roundabout through and through. My path was a circle and led me right back to where I started.

As some of you already know, I'm back home in Germany. The host family that I used to live with kind of kicked me out of their house within not even 24 hours. “We've discussed it for the last week and we came to the decision that we don't need you and we want you out of the house,” is what they said to me on a Friday night. When asking “why” they refused to give me any detailed explanation. All they said was that they felt sorry for me being here, since they always had to tell me to clean the house more properly. So, after booking my flight back home from London, Heathrow to Stuttgart, Echterdingen I packed my bag in the middle of the night. After that I called my family, asking them to come and pick me up in about 18 hours. Then, time flew by unnoticeable fast and at 18.25 German time I was able to give my family the biggest hug ever.
You may think that I'm over the moon and whatnot. But, actually, the only thing that I did in my first night, back in my accustomed bed, was crying. I find myself crying almost every day, because now I'm back to where I started. I'm back to my old life – the life that I escaped from.
And it's hurting me so much to know that now, it is as if I would have never been somewhere else. Though the time in England was kinda tough, I figured that it was also the most beautiful one that I've ever had in my life.

It's gonna be hard for me to go back to England and find a flat or a job while I'm here in Germany. But just because it's tough, doesn't mean I won't try it. It's what I want and I've learned that you gotta fight for everything that you think is worth it.
The path that I used to walk on apparently wasn't the right one for me, so now, I'm gonna try a different one – with the hope of not failing this time. With the hope of finally reaching my destination; the destination that the bubble in my hands is showing me.