the choices you make...

Written by Sandra on July 13, 2012

I know that having a bad day doesn’t mean you’re a crestfallen pessimist; that saying thoughtless and stupid things doesn’t imply you have a low intelligence quotient; and that making mistakes doesn’t make you one. However, the problem is that way too often we wear ourselves down by the little, even trivial, things that just keep haunting our minds. May it be a lie you once told that you still think about every now and then, a word you said that hurt someone else’s feelings or something you did that led to more tremendous consequences than you thought. It’s mostly things that had to be said or done, things that might seem cruel at first, but were merely a part of fate’s inescapable plan. Maybe that other person needed to hear the unwanted words that came out of your mouth, maybe you needed to do that very thing, or else neither of you would have turned out to be the person you are today, or neither of you would have chosen the path you’re on right now. But who’s to know. I guess it will all make sense in the end, when we take a look at the life we’ve lived when we’re old. Anyway, what I want to say is that someone once said “You can’t make the same mistake twice. The second time you make it it’s no longer a mistake, it’s a choice.” And it’s true. Sure, if you fall down the stairs twice, you clearly didn’t choose to do so. But rather regarding mistakes about life and the decisions you have to make. See, sometimes we do the wrong thing because we simply don’t know any better, we do it because we don’t see any other way around it, and that‘s okay, I guess. Nevertheless, at some point in our lives we may have to make a decision and we know what would be the right thing to do, we just know what would bring the best possible outcome for you, yet you still go and do something else instead, on purpose, and you settle for the second or even third best possible outcome, for the most diverse reasons. I know that like-minded people will understand what I’m about to say, but the ones who aren’t in this themselves, probably won’t. See, I’ve relapsed. I was doing “well” for a few months, maybe even half a year, until recently. I put the word ‘well’ in quotation marks because medically spoken I was doing fine, but then again I didn’t really feel fine at all. And, as stupid and ridiculous as it might sound to some of you, I kind of chose to relapse. It all results from the desire to feel good about myself, which I’m not when I’m all bloated from eating. So I’ve made a decision - already years ago - to lose weight until I finally feel alright, which hasn’t happened yet. I mean, don’t get me wrong; I’ve tried pretty much every way there is to lose weight, even the one that’s the healthiest (by keeping a balanced diet and exercising regularly), which I tried for about three months, and yet nothing’s changed. My pragmatic mind just sort of chooses the easiest and also fastest way for me to feel fine, even though it might not be the healthiest. It’s just that once a thought like this is deeply implanted in your brain, it’s hard to let go.