Oh what a glorious morning. I woke up not knowing what I'd be writing about (sorry, my trip to the Big Brother house on Friday must stay under wraps for another week), but then I checked my email. My friend jash had alerted me that will.i.am from The Black Eyed Peas and Perez Hilton from, well, The Internet had gotten into some sort of kerfuffle. Normally, I wouldn't care about such a dumb celebrity feud, but when I learned that it had culminated with Perez Hilton getting (finally) socked in the face, I was most intrigued.

Turns out that the altercation took place in peaceful Canada at the MuchMusic Awards where allegedly there were some words between Perez and Fergie, which turned into words between Perez and Will, which turned into words between Perez and some guy's fist. I don't really know who's right or wrong in the situation, but it's safe to say that this moment was long overdue. Perez couldn't truly think he could last five years as the country's most obnoxious gossip monger before getting decked in his oddly shaped face. I'm not condoning violence, but seriously, he had to know it would happen someday. And he had to know we would then all laugh.

Nevertheless, both feuding parties immediately fled to the Internet where they've described their respective sides of the story in an effort to sway the court of public opinion. Will.i.am's video is short, to-the-point, and free of ridiculous histrionics that might undermine his credibility. Perez's video on the other hand, well, it's a bit much. Details after the jump...

First I feel I must divulge some not-so-critical information in the pursuit of journalistic integrity (heh): I'm technically under contract with will.i.am as I was hired as a writer for his website, Dipdive.com. That being said, I've yet to actually meet Will, and I haven't written for the site in about nine months; so it's not like I'm strongly biased towards him.

Now that that's out of the way, let's discuss the alleged incident. From what we can tell, Fergie approached Perez and asked him why he was hatin' on the band's new album. He said something about just keepin' it real, they had a few words, and then everyone parted ways, end of story. But then the next night, will.i.am saw Perez and told him not to disrespect his girl Fergie. This led to further words and snipping, eventually culminating in Perez calling Will a "faggot." Will walked away, and a member of his entourage — possibly his manager — then decked Perez in the face. Mass hysteria and dramatic Tweeting ensued.

I know what you're thinking: hallelujah! Someone finally clocked Perez! But people, let's not get carried away. VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER (even if it IS the most satisfying, as in this case).

For his part, Perez was outraged, outraged I tell you, about this savage act. He took to the Internet and recorded a twelve minute rambling description of the events that at times veers into melodramatic browbeating so laughably embarrassing, one can't help but feel this belongs up there in the Chris Crocker hall of fame.

From the outset, we know we're in for a particularly campy piece of viral video when Perez announces that he's recording this statement NOT as Perez, but as Mario Lavandeirrrrrra. Oooh. The sass is on!

To continue reading this entry, check out  http://www.bsideblog.com/2009/06/deconstructing-the-perez-hilto-1.php