Blog Entry
since u´r gone
Written by mery1a on September 18, 2009
reading ur last messages.. the last from more than 3000 ... i´ve realized that u were diferent.. stressed, sad.. and i couldnt help u.
we had spoken so many times about ur dance showcase that i thought u were only excited about that.. with ur work.. ur lil sisters..
and i feel so totally stupid..
when u wrote the msg in the forum.. i was really really mad , i couldnt believe that u were gonna abandone me.. leave me alone..
i was really dissapointed cause .. u called me mom.. and how can a mom live withour her daughter?... how i can stay relaxed if i dont have ur phone... ur adress..?....
i think that was the worst day of my life, cause i had lost the most important person in my life,
truth is that we loose, unfortunately, a lot of people in our lifes.. in our long journey..sometimes people die, but this was diferent cause , i feel that i´ve lost lexy but i know she is over there.. maybe alone.. i cant know if she is doing well...
and that.. somedays.. just kill me...
being a big part of her life .. means a world for me.
she always used to tell me that with me.. she has felt free for first time in years.. that she has learnt to trust, love, hate.. she didnt have feelings.. cause the life had stolen her too many things.and i feel really proud of that. when she used to cry with me, i felt really sad, but she was happy cause she hadnt seen her own tears for a long time,
when she laughed at herself i laughed a lot too. cause she was really enjoying of her own mistakes and learning to be a "kid" again. not always lexy the "mom" that had to work, think in survive, give everything to her sisters..
and now that she´s gone.. ufff... i have to admit that my feelings are really confused.. that i´m confused..
some nights i cry and cry till i dont have tears.. cause i miss her, cause i think i could have made more for her. i could have been her mom really. but sometimes i was so focused in my problems that i maybe wasnt good enough to listen to her problems.
but sometimes i feel happy too. cause i totally trust in her. i know that, althought she is only 18, she is probably muuuch smart , and strong that most of us, and if she has taken this hard decision, maybe the hardest that she has taken or will take in her whole life , is cause she really wanna find a better way of life.
she always repeated how much she has lived with us.. and she has learned from each member of dipdive. and now , she is feeling empty , yes, but now she has the strenght , new ideas, and support to try to change her life.
and.. I know she will
if u can read this lexy, maybe not now.. just wanna tell u that:
I LOVE U
I TRUST IN U
I´LL ALWAYS SUPPORT U
AND WE WILL MEET REALLY SOON
ps: thanks for the mail . i needed to know that u were ok.
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mery1a
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CarolBR said on September 18, 2009:
what a beautiful blog, mery. I think i never talked to her, but i know that you love her so much and she loves you so much too...
She can't be here at this moment, but i bet she always thinks about all her friends from BM and she misses them too.
Friends don't need stay together all the time, they are connected with their hearts, so...she really never goes away. You'll be always in her heart and her mind. *-*
rosekler said on September 18, 2009:
Me and Lexy, we never talked too much, always short conversations but always very cool !! I felt very honoured when she mentioned my name in her lettter on BM and I know that she's an amazing person, a fighter althought she has just 18 !! I really admire her, she's more mature than some girls of her age or older !! She's a part of this family and she will always have her place on BM. Now she has to fight outside for reach her goals, find her place in the "real" world for be able to come back to her BM family more stronger than ever !! I know how much u're missing her but be sure that your love will support her as much as her love is supporting you right now !! Never stop thinking of her, to send your love, light and support because i'm sure that Lexy can feel it and it will give her more strength !! U're not seeing her, u're not talking to her but both are already connect by heart and soul... u're one, remember ? What u feel, she feels... Never forget it !! When she come back she will be really proud to have such awesome friends that shows to her all the time how much she mean to them and espeacially you, babe... U should be more proud then ever because u're part of her jorney, u helped her to be a better person and to believe in herself... and i'm very proud of you for it too !! Lexy is amazing, u're amazing and I'm sure that u will meet really soon !!
adik-ct89 said on September 18, 2009:
all that i can say is SHE'S SO BEAUTIFUL in inner n the outer part. she deserve all LOVE n CONCERNS from us. and for my beloved big sista, keep DREAM AND BELIEVE!! love her n love ya much much more<3
xtina said on September 18, 2009:
this reminded me a lot of our chats together. I do miss her. although i've never met her before, there was a connection. i'll never forget the person who called me "human wikipedia" or the person who taught me some gangsta words or the person with whom i could create new words.
lexy, you said you were on BM for a purpose, to express yourself and find what you've lost. I hope you're still looking for what you're looking for and that this search will never end. because this is how we all grow and learn, on that journey to happineness
mery1a said on September 18, 2009:
omg lee thans for the comment. the song made cry so so much.
i know she has to do her best.. but still miss her too..
but she will be back, i´m sure!! and we all will be here waiting !!
lee said on September 18, 2009:
She told me in one of the chats we had that there was somethings she had to do which meant leaving her little sisters. I told her that no matter what she does or where she goes i will allways be her for her to talk. She would often say how much she looked up to you and how much BM had helped her. Try not to be sad she will be fine. She know were here for her. Life sometimes takes us away from people who are close to us, but i believe our paths will cross again. :)
Embed:
She's fine mery. But i do miss her.
wil-b-ur
tammyaust said on September 18, 2009:
If you love something or someone, set it free, if it come back, it meant to be,keep them and love them forever. Sometimes we treasure something so much that we dont want to let it go, is this our own fear? Let her go and be free, let her do what she think is right and happy. Time for her to stand alone and go through her journey. Dont hold her back with your sadness, be happy for her.
What you can do for her is be there when she come back. Catch her when she falls.
Take care
Tammy
EmaBaksa said on September 18, 2009:
This is such touching blog. It is obvious that you too were really close, or still are, and I really hope that you two will meet one day because you both are amazing persons.
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mery1a
Mery is a girl who is 29 that lives in Spain. She joined Dipdive on February 12, 2009. The last time she logged in was on May 10, 2012.
on May 9, 2012 from Twitter
wow amazing .. you make me cry ... it is a very intimate and strong message ... your words are beautiful and I can not comment on using mincing words or swollen phrases of paradoxes ... I can only say "you're a fantastic person."