Looking on the bright side of things.

Written by serenity96 on May 11, 2010

Some may say that after what I tell you about myself 'how is it possible to stay optimistic.? " well I haven't always been. I'll admit that growing up I was a very optimistic person but as life took its toll living thru an abusive 1st marriage & finding the strength to get out with my two son's I found strength I never knew I had. Music of course was a big factor. Celine' Dion's moving mountains, Mariah Carey's "Hero" , I found I was able to hold on to my faith and every time I went to court I just prayed " Just let the truth be known" whatever that was. Somehow miracles happened along the way. Although my heart became blocked & I never imagined loving a man again ...it was only a few months when my 2nd husband to be came along & re-opened my heart by being so supportive thru the worst trials of a custody battle.

Life hasn't been perfect for either of us thou. Shortly after remarrying his own demons' came out from his child hood. But instead of both of us running in seperate directions we chose to face them together. It's taken several years but knowing we don't put blame on one another, find the root of how were feeling....we've managed to come to the other side of the mountain stronger and the nightmares are finally over. We'll be married now 13 years in October. One thing I remind him is "If this marriage fails it won't be from the lack of trying on my part" We do fight, but we put all the feelings on the table, so to speak. Even when hurt seems so deep that we want to protect ourselves from vulnerabilitiy... thats when you have to make a point of opening up & saying how or what has hurt you so much. Then you will know for sure how the other will respond. And Growth in the relationship is truly made. Either the other will feel compassion or will walk away,but at least you have your answer. You should never have to walk on eggshells again because you don't want to rock the boat. And if you do, it's not your fault if they get angry. Its their narrow minded ness that they are the one's who lose in life.

I have grown, I have learned to be a stronger person. I still fight with agoraphobia due to circumstances from my 1st marriage but my second husband encourages me to go out, drive, enjoy life. And I've learned that Trust is the no. 1 thing in a relationship. Without that you can't truly have love.

We've both had new health challenges these past several years also to take into consideration. My husband has a VA disability as well as back issues, He just had surgery on his rotator cuff area. Myself after years of tests was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, degenerative disc disease and surprize discovery of Spina bifida. I have had at time's a hip that goes out of place & the pain is quite excrusionating. But at my lowest point of depression I received a call & went back to studying the bible & challenged myself in over coming my agoraphobia to go to church on my own. My faith is not shared by my husband but he respects me for it. It has enabled me to gain strength & stop taking medications that had bad side effects. I have a hope that gives me strength on days' that the pain is to much to bear because I know one day these pain's will be gone for good.

Currently we' recently discovered that our rental is going into foreclosure, but I realized the opportunity this gives us in which we wouldn't have had if we had to just move. We are saving in order to get a Home of our own. This is no small step as my husband & I have kept our finances seperate for all the years we've been together. So we had to take a leap of faith and join forces in order to build our scores together. Our goal thou is to get out fo debt. We are fortunate so far  that my husband has a wonderful boss at the hospital he works at. We have great insurance as well. Even thou I qualify for ssi' I refused helped because I didn't want to take from another who could use it now. I am qualified to get aid /support if anything happens to my husband, praying that never be the case. I can't imagine life without him at this point. I know i'd be strong, but I don't want to lose him in my life. Its rather a strange relationship because we have more of a friendship. Knowing you can rely on someone when it really counts gives you a security no money can buy. Although the relationship due to both our disabilitys is lonely many time's --that would be the only thing i'd change, but theres' more to relationships than physical contact. I do feel sad when i hear a couple complain because i know if only they would give a little more effort to showing their partner they truly care ... instead of showing a complete stranger that effort that deteriorates the marriage.... they might find true happiness. 

I would love to be a grandma but for now my son's are focusing on their future careers & that is more important to build that foundation first. In the meantime as my career has changed from computers to my other passions: Photography, Poetry, moving onto creativity in Jewelry making, scrapbooking, card making -once we get settled into a new home that is. I have my Furbabies to keep me busy & warm. We have a handsome 25 lb -13 yr old Burmese, 2 -7 yr old calicos, 4 siblings -3 white -1 tan bubbles/stripes /white we call champaine from a beautiful white cat that was dropped off. We truly believe they are part Turkish Angora. Very unique in features and amazing intelligence. WE even have to spell out words at times. Oh and not to forget our rescued little chihuahua Pixie. and guard dog "Stinker" who got left by a neighbor who couldn't take him with her, so we adopted him. Yep a full house of love. This from a lady who once never allowed a pet in the home....to a full house.

I have been recognized for my poetry and photography from the national society. I'm not sure if those sites are still up. I never went to their symposiums as it cost to much to begin with but I just felt the need to share & knowing myself I enjoyed writing & taking pictures was enough.

When you feel at your lowest, hang on one more minute, hour, day, week....you'll be surprized what is around the corner. There was a time I wanted to drive over a cliff, then my life changed to somethng I never imagined it could be. No I know I'd never do somethng that drastic, but i do know life can be quite challenging. Its when you least expect things to change is when it happens.