Under Rug Swept

Written by watersmagoo on August 5, 2009

Under Rug Swept

I havent written a blog for a few weeks. Mostly because I have been really tired, and when I am exhausted my emotions tend to run all over the place.

I have named this blog "Under Rug Swept" because......

If I put anymore thoughts under my rug, you wouldnt be able to walk on it anymore. They lie there dusty and dorment. Until I learn to deal with the issues I possess. I wont be able to move on. In order to do that, I have to acknowledge them.

I was having a conversation with someone the other day. I wont name them for their own privacy. But she told me that it was the first "serious" conversation she has had with me since she first knew me. I sat there and smiled and simply said.....

"You do the same thing. You hide behind your laughter and your jokes" "Its easier that way"

Here on Beautiful Movements we feel safe and secure enough to speak up without being judged. However I had someone write to me personally in hotmail and said that they had been reading my blogs on a site called Dip Dive. I wasnt sure what to think at first. I felt nervous that people who know me might end up reading about my inner thoughts, they might question me and ask why I have never spoken up like this before. It kind of scared me, I dont let many people into my life for fear of judgement. I speak nothing but the truth, and sometimes I am fearful that those close to me might find the truth hard to swallow.

However in saying that. I am proud of who I am, and everything about me. Learning to trust is all part of growing up.

Lifting my Rug

Firstly I am really grateful for the blog on Beautiful Movements about "Regret". I never looked at it that way before.

I just thought that if I didnt get it right I failed, and I would log it in my book of regrets.

Second. Alot of you dont really know me that well, but I would like to share with you pieces of my life. I try so hard not to focus on the negative but I quickly learnt that in order to live a positive happy life you need to deal with the good and bad. You need to manifest the knowledge you possess. Infale fresh ideas about how to sustain happiness and exhale dark thoughts of ending it all.

From the moment I was born, I felt like I had to compete with my twin sister. As stupid as it sounds, I always felt like one of us was always loved more than the other, or one of us did something better than the other. It took a long time for me to understand that we are not one person with two identical bodies. We are individuals who are bound to have strengths in different areas.

I love my sister so much. I would do anything to protect her. But her weaknesse leaves me lost sometimes. We are very different. She has her crutches and she envies the fact I can write about my thoughts and emotions. She sometimes pays me out for spending so much time on dipdive. But I know its because she wishes she could deal with her own demons. Instead she will have a drink..........and thats when I dont know my sister anymore. On those days, I wish I could make her happy enough to not need that. But I know its not my business, and I never say anything anymore because it makes her mad if I try and tell her to stop......sometimes I sit there with my head down trying to escape. I just want her back.........

Yes there is a negative here, and I am not ashamed of it. The positive is I am still by her side. I wouldnt leave it for the world. Even if I dont understand why she does it, and no matter how much I crumble inside. I will always be there. I will eventually with persistance shine the light into her dark world.

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My sister and I live in Australia. However our entire family live in New Zealand. I dont really get to see them that often, infact probably every couple of years. Its always expensive taking time off work and travelling there. It sometimes rips my heart apart.

My dad also has claustrophobia which means he cant fly. Some days I am so torn. I would give anything to move back home and be with them more. Infact I am unsure of what is stopping me. Did I really just spend 8yrs here, wishing that I was back there with them?

If I had to answer that truthfully! Then here goes....

When I first moved here as stated in previous blogs it was very hard. From being stone broke, to walking the streets carrying my birthday presents to pawn off for petty cash to being physically abused by my house mates boyfriend. I didnt want to give up because I was always told I wasnt going to make it. Truth was, the reason I did want to give up and move back was because I missed them. I was only just 19 when I moved.

Here I am today 27yrs old. I live with my sister and a house mate who is much older. I have been living this way for several years now. And it probably seems alittle strange to you......but I have my reasons.

If I look back and reflect on my decision to stay living here the answer is simple -

I dont want to leave my house mate struggling to meet bills and rent. Without my sister and I living there. She would be lonely and most likely bankrupt. As sad as that sounds, it is the truth. She is divorced and has two kids who are grown up. Her son is in the army and her daughter is living in her own house and due to have a baby in December. In my head I selfishly told myself that "YAY her daughter is having a baby, some joy in her life and now I can move home"....I wish.

My house mate doesnt get along with her own extended family, she lives each week relying on her pay. I can only really afford to give her so much without having to go without myself. She also has her elderly mother living with us, and she has dimensia now and some days I come home from work and she is accusing us of taking her clothes. (not that I would wear a 96yr olds outfits anyway). It is tough, but I have to look at the big picture or else I would go insane. Some days I work 16 hours in the office to just take a break.

I have given up doing what I want to do in order to prevent her from going into depression. Now I have never ever admitted this to anyone. Maybe this is why my sister drinks to stay happy some days...........its easier for me to laugh. I admit it. I am putting my hands in the air and admitting it.

I am foolish in my own imperfections. I always try to stay busy and I try and do things which make me happy. And alot of the time I do.

This comes back to that word 'regret'.

I now can tell myself DONT regret this, it has made me stronger.

Beautiful Movements has shown me how to survive tough times. Through everyones advice, to your blogs to even just your comments. I know we are not alone in our day to day routines. No one has a perfect life, and our issues are all very real. Its what we take away from them that really count.

Sometimes I admit I feel suffocated in my daily comings and goings. So much so, that some days it really affects what I do. I remember awhile ago being in the lift at work. I work on the 37th floor of a Brisbane building. I was in the lift, and all of a sudden I started to panic.

I dont know why. But I could feel my heart beating really fast, I felt breathless.......I felt out of control.

I was scared. What was I scared off? I dont know.

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Instead of regretting things that have happened that I cant change, I am trying to acknowledge them. It is so hard though to not feel regret.

Since I have been living in Australia I have lost two grandparents to cancer, another one died in a freak accident while on a ride on mower working for the Council, one of my best friends was killed in a car accident, another friend lost her baby moments after he was born.

I know they are all out of my control. Even though me being there wouldnt have changed their fate, it brings me back to thinking....'what if'....

What if I had of not moved here.......I would have had more time to spend with them before they were taken away.......

I would have been there to support my friend after loosing her baby.

I know I have to stop thinking like this because YES you are right Kim. As you said in your blog. Regret ruins you.

Maybe its not so much regret I feel, its probably that I havent taken the time to grieve. I mean they all seemed to die within the space of several months. I remember thinking to myself....who next?....

Is it wrong that I admit I couldnt cry when I heard they had passed away? I think I sort of am in denial. Because I have not been around them for so many years, I became numb and forgot what it was like being around them. We live and we forget right?

I am angry at myself for not crying. As stupid as that sounds. I wanted to so bad. It was so hard convincing myself that they had died. Part of me still believes they are all alive......closure. Thats what I need.

It doesnt help that a year ago my dad was trapped in a room and almost died of carbon monoxide poisoning at work. I thought he was next. It took me a long time to get over that. He had to go in a hyper barric chamber, which was nearly next to impossible for him because of his claustrophobia.

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As I sit here and look at photos my parents have sent me of their new home. I smile because I am proud of what I have achieved. I am proud of my wonderful brother and how much he has matured. I am going to visit them on August 15th for two weeks.

The time will go fast, but I am going to make the most of it. Because if anything, I have learnt that time is precious and we need to make the most out of the oppurtunities we are given in life.

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I am proud of who I am. I am Nicole Waterman. I am 27yrs old. You want to know something about me that I have NEVER told anyone!!

I used to suffer OCD. When I was in highschool I was bullied so much I developed Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Every night before I went to bed I would tap the window lock above my bed eight times. I believed that if I didnt, something bad would happen to me.

It was the only thing I thought I had control over.

Guess what........I trained myself not to do it anymore. I told myself to trust that nothing bad was going to happen. I over came my disorder and I am not ashamed of it. I had a reason for doing it, and I got out of it before it controlled my life.

I am a photographer and have had work published in the Photography Vibes book in America. I even won a wooden plaque. I didnt care that they spelt my middle name wrong. I was proud. I was the featured photographer for 2007/2008.

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Lesson in this blog.

There is so much that happens in our lives that we have no control over, and some things we do have control over.  It is up to us to create our happiness, use the tools and techniques we have been given to reshape our future.

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I spent too much time living in the past that I started to give up on my future.........

Even though im tired. I will never stop living.
Thankyou for the blog on Regret. You have given me a different perspective on things.

I have opened my eyes to a new horizon.